By marcusray
Sep. 26, 2016

1. ALABAMA (4-0)

- Nick Saban crushed his alma mater 48-0 on Saturday, but Alabama lost two of its top Running Backs to injuries in the process. I'm not sure if the juice was worth the squeeze. Translation = playing teams like Kent State can do more harm than good, and you don't always get out of it what you put into it. 

2. OHIO STATE (3-0)

- The Buckeyes had a week off. Translation = Even Superman needs to get his cape dry cleaned every once in a while. Rutgers will visit Metropolis (Columbus) this weekend and experience Superman's superhuman strength, speed, and heat vision.


- Louisville QB Lamar Jackson has already Whipped Nay Nay. Now he plans on going down to Clemson to do the Whip and Nay Nay on top of the Whip in front of Nay Nay. He better be careful though because this time he could get Whipped by the real Nay Nay. 

4. CLEMSON (4-0)

- Clemson is hosting "The Brawl for it All" this weekend in Death Valley vs Louisville. If Louisville QB Lamar Jackson and Clemson QB Dashawn Watson had a conversation about the game it would go something like this:

5. HOUSTON (4-0)

- The dude who is already in a great relationship and in a perfect situation with the right woman. Then LSU fires their coach, USC and Texas all say they don't have any baggage and  start to flirt with him, promising that the grass is greener on the other side, but fails to mention that the water bill is also higher. It's cheaper to keep her. 

6. MICHIGAN (4-0)

- Critiquing Michigan it's like coaching my own son. I want him to be the best he can be but I can't show him any favoritism over the other kids. I'd lose credibility and respect as a coach. If someone is better than him then all I can do is be honest and tell him what he needs to know in order to improve versus telling him what he wants to hear. 

7. TENNESEE (4-0)

- The same dude I told you about last week with all the talent in the world and the wet jump shot but he's lazy and plays when he feels like it. Well last weekend he started off slow and then went on a 35-7 run to chomp the Gators. I thought about putting them number 6 but I didn't want to choose between the alleged love of my life (Head Coach Butch Jones) and my children (Michigan). 

8. WISCONSIN (4-0)

- Michigan State must have been listening to "Living in America" in the locker room before they took the field. As I watched the once great champion MSU (Apollo Creed) get slaughtered by Wisconsin (Drago) this is what came to mind:

And now my son Rocky (Michigan) has to fight Drago (Wisconsin) this Saturday in Ann Arbor. 

9. STANFORD (3-0)

- The perfect husband who took his family to LA last weekend for a peaceful getaway but made a wrong turn somewhere and found himself on the wrong side of the tracks and somehow managed to score 16 fourth quarter points to escape the wrath of the "Baby Blue Brentwood Bad Boys". Now he's taking his family to Seattle to face that group of dudes we keep hearing about, the Huskies. 

10. TEXAS A&M (4-0)

- I sat here and watched the Aggies defeat UCLA, Auburn, and now Arkansas. They are that well-built dude at the bar with the tight muscle shirt who forgot to put on deodorant. He dances real well but he sweats too much, so you don't really want to go near him. But as you approach him to get a closer look and ask for a dance you keep asking yourself, "What is that awful stench?"

11. WASHINGTON (4-0)

- The Huskies are those dudes from the 'hood with the 'get rich or die trying' mentality who have been waiting for the rich, family man from the suburbs to get caught slipping on their block.  Well, the Stanford Cardinal family will be in Seattle Friday at 9 pm and the winner will be the clear favorite to win the PAC 12 North. 

12. MIAMI, FLA (3-0)

- The 'Canes didn't play last weekend but after really looking at their schedule with wins against Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic, and App. State it seems as if they've been on a paid vacation all month. They are the dude who has been on paid leave for a few weeks and then calls off the first day he's supposed to go back to work. They'll most definitely get fired on their day off this Saturday if they don't show up against Georgia Tech. 


- The guy who got knocked out last week and then tried to prove he was still tough by picking on someone smaller than him (South Florida) but still found himself getting pieced up a few times (gave up 35 points) . The Seminoles play speed bump defense. Translation = they won't stop anybody, but they will slow you down. 

14. BAYLOR (4-0)

- The top salesman in a company that's going to eventually go under (Big 12) and has too much to say at the business meetings but it's hard to argue against him because he counterpunches all opposition by saying, "Yeah I hear you, but at the end of the day we are undefeated."

15. NEBRASKA (4-0)

- The woman who used to be super fine in high school, but has since divorced twice with a couple of kids now, put on a few pounds and only posts pics on throwback Thursday. Now she sings in the church choir, been on her job for 20 years, lost a few pounds and is ready to show everyone she is that older and wiser young lady from high school, but no one wants to date her because she keeps in touch with all her exes, and is known for self-sabotaging her new relationships by talking about her old relationships too much. 


- The Spartans kind of remind me of Mike Tyson. If you can mentally block out the intimidation factor, take their punches early, stretch the fight to the later rounds, and most importantly fight back, you can beat them.  By the end of the 3rd quarter I was looking like:

17. UTAH (4-0)

- Utah is that dude who finally got out of prison and seems to be rehabilitated but you don't really feel safe kicking it with him because he may still be institutionalized and could ruin everyone's life. He doesn't care at all because he never has anything to lose. You try to encourage him to think positive and act right but he ends every sentence with, "Dawg it's whatever and I don't mind going back." The sad part is that the Utes could potentially win the PAC 12 South if they keep their nose clean. 

18. OLE MISS (2-2)

- After beating the brakes off undefeated Georgia last week, the Rebels seem to be the guy who likes where he is right now but wishes he hadn't got mixed up with the wrong people (Bama & FSU) and made better choices early in his life. He knows he had every opportunity to be successful and only has himself to blame.  


- The guy you meet on spring break who seems to have it going on pretty strong. He's polite, lives on the wild side, he's a lot of fun, dresses with that southern California surfer swag, but then he doesn't keep in touch after spring break because he still lives with his parents and doesn't want anyone to know. He doesn't want you to tag him in any pics because someone may recognize him and expose for who he really is. 

20. ARKANSAS (3-1)

- The dude at the club who gets angry when a woman tells him, "Sorry I have a man."  And then gets even more upset when he sees the woman giving another man her number, so he starts a fight and gets the whole spot shut down. Then he makes a video saying, "I didn't like her anyways" and posts it on Instagram. The Razorbacks can play spoiler to the potential SEC East or West Champion. 

21. FLORIDA (3-1)

- The dude at the casino who caught some really good hands early on playing blackjack, won big money in chips but never left the table until it was too late. Translation = the Gators were giving Tennessee the business at first and then found themselves in a world of trouble in the second half. They went from playing with house money to not having enough gas money to make it home. 


- The pretty woman from out of town who shows up on your "People you may know" list on Facebook. You scroll through all her pictures but you can't like them because you aren't friends with her. You send a friend request and like a few pictures but once you meet her you realize her pictures don't do her any justice because she looks much better in person. I know because I called a Broncos game on ESPN 3 a few weeks ago. 

23. BOISE STATE (3-0)

- The Mountain West Conference's version of Western Michigan. The Broncos are the Scrappy Doo of the West Coast. They are small, feisty, pack a mean punch and boss the worst teams in the PAC 12 around like it's going out of style. We never get a chance to see them fight because someone is always holding them back. Their team motto is 'Let me at 'em!' 


- The freeloading dude who always wants to go out with the fellas but acts like he forgot his wallet at home when it's his turn to buy a round. Once the crew figures out what his game they stop inviting him to guys night and then he gets stuck watching the kids and the dog on ladies night. 


- The dude who always drives too fast and then gets pulled over and tries to act like he didn't know his driver's license was suspended. Talking 'bout, "I was going to pay the fine to get them reinstated tomorrow."