Feb. 20, 2017
NBA Breakfast Special: Attack of the 52-Point Unibrow
by Fox Doucette
Anthony Davis set a new All-Star Game record with 52 points in front of his home fans, Kevin Durant notched a triple-double, but the craziest news from the NBA last night was the Heist of the Century, in which New Orleans sent Buddy Hield, Tyreke Evans, and a couple of draft picks to the Sacramento Kings in order to get Boogie Cousins, instantly creating the new greatest buddy cop film ever put to camera. That's right, it's Boogie and the Brow.
Or maybe it's more like this...
DAVIS: “Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Boogie?”
COUSINS: “I think so, Brow, but how are we going to mesh on the court when we're two big men in a pace-and-space league?”
No matter...the Pelicans are going to do the same thing every night: Try to take over the world!
Let's start by stating the painfully obvious about the dunk contest:
That said, the theme of the night, jumping over people, was kinda cool:
Although look at the face on that poor Pacers cheerleader; she looks utterly terrified that Glenn Robinson III is going to land balls-first on her head.
The Only Thing Missing Was 200 Points
The West beat the East 192-182; the teams combined to shoot 162-of-280 from the field, 43-of-122 from three...and 7-of-8 from the line. DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!
The West assisted on 60 of their 84 makes; not only did Kevin Durant get a triple-double with 21 points, 10 boards, and 10 dimes, but Marc Gasol nearly matched the feat, coming two assists shy in a 10/10/8 performance, which he pulled off in only 21 minutes of play!
Oh, and James Harden turned the ball over 10 times because he's James Harden and of course he did. MVP, my ass. Russell Westbrook, for his part, had 41 points, 7 assists...and only two turnovers. MVP debate over.
Highlights? Well, let's first have a moment of silence for a 55-year-old record that fell Sunday night. Nobody's ever dropping 100 again, but another record from one of the greatest of all time stood for a very long time:
Meanwhile, in this year's contest...
C'mon man, they need to get Obama into the Celebrity Game. Might've been a bit too short notice when he was still the sitting president as recently as a month ago, but for 2018? Let the Secret Service have some fun for a change!
Master P, you are no Barack Obama:
And Kyrie Irving would've won that three-point contest too, if the Earth's rotation hadn't thrown off his shot. For instructional purposes:
Thanks for reading, folks. The earth is round. It has “Spalding” stamped on it, we just don't see it because the logo's under one of the oceans. Because the gods love basketball and the game will bring peace when Big G, Odin, Vishnu, Zeus, and Amaterasu share the floor of immortality!