4 Reasons Toronto Will Never Win the Stanley Cup
Let me just start my saying it pains me to write this, as a lifelong fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs to even consider that they may never win Lord Stanley’s Cup while I am alive and breathing is absolutely crushing. It hurts just to begin to process that thought. I can’t even believe my brain is able to imagine it. I read once that it is impossible for the human brain to imagine something of infinite size, like the universe. This exercise is a bit like that, yet I overcame my deepest fear. Seriously, I should get a medal, maybe even a nobel prize for what I was able to accomplish. Me, just this guy, a dude sitting here typing was able to ignore every logical bone and intelligent thought in my body and somehow, through pure will and mental anguish come up with five whole reason why the Toronto Maple Leafs may never win the Stanley Cup (Gasps).
1.They Got Too Fat
The ‘they’ here is their owners and the ‘fat’ is rich. The Toronto Maple Leafs Organization aka Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment Ltd (MLSE) is the most valuable team in the NHL, in the top 40 across all sports organizations worldwide (according to Forbes), and boasts the most expensive tickets in the league. Watch any Toronto away game and you’re bound to see fans holding signs like “It was cheaper to fly to LA first class and burn all my money than to see the Leafs play at home”. When you achieve the level of wealth and notoriety the Leafs Organization has, it is easy to become content. Content doesn't win championships though, content wins runner up at a Wednesday Bingo Night.
2. Reliable Goaltending
If I hear a family member or some homeless guy on the street tell me that same old joke - about how a Leafs goalie ran into the street to commit suicide only for the traffic to go through his legs. If I hear that one more time my brain will explode. Toronto needs to invest in some solid, reliable goaltending if they want to go all the way. The Frederick Andersen signing is a start but I’m not confident it’s the solution. At this point I’d support signing an ex Sumo Wrestler and just letting him sit in the crease. I don’t even care if he wears skates.
3. I’m Personally Cursed
I have a theory that I am personally cursed and will therefore never be able to experience joy. Do to this unfortunate circumstance the Toronto Maple Leafs will continue to disappoint me, never winning until the day I die. (P.S other Leafs fans, this is just a theory please don’t murder me).
4. History of Losses
I mean they are really really good at it. If there was a Cup for losing, upsetting a fan base and causing stress across a continent the Leafs would totally win that. If Toronto is going to win the cup, which God help me, they better. They are going to need to reverse this disgusting friendship with losing.
