A Parent’s Guide to Coaches: a.k.a. The Ideal Parent
So I really do coach, a lot. I started when I was 16 and realized it was a great chance for me to go with our senior girl’s volleyball team to the provincial tournament. I did some basic math and realized even if every team had a guy assisting like me, there was still a 10:1 girl to guy ratio and I thought those were pretty good odds. But I also fell in love with the coaching aspect as well. I loved training and motivating players to accomplish more than they thought possible. I was addicted and I’ve been ever since.
That said; I have seen my share of parents come and go. Some I liked and others I not so much. If I could create the ideal parent for a kid on my team, here is their basic make-up;
1. It’s a game.
After 20 plus years, I have only coached against one kid who made it to the NBA. (Stephan Curry: he killed us! Fun place for a name drop though.) I have had a few play for provincial or university teams but most stopped playing organized sports after high school and became recreational athletes. It is rare to see kids make it to the big leagues so make sure they enjoy their time in little leagues. Don’t be the reason they want to quit and avoid putting pressure on them to perform. Don’t use lines like, “We payed a lot of money for you to do this!” or “How did you miss that shot?” It’s not fair and it destroys the fun they should be having.
2. The Officials are not your enemy
Most of the people I meet who are referees are there because they love the game and they want to make a couple of extra bucks on the side. I cannot remember many officials costing my team or the other team the game. Like all of life, their skill levels differ but c’est la vie. Cheer the team and ignore the officials. Calls will be missed and I have yet to see a zebra blow his whistle after a blown or missed call and say, “You know annoying parent or coach, you are right. I will reverse my decision.” Let them do their job and teach kids to focus on their task. Be positive and let the coach decide when they feel they need to bend the ref’s ear. On more than one occasion I have discussed a call with a parent after the game and admitted I thought the ref was right.
3. Parents parent and the coaches coach.
Any coach worth their weight in salt has a team strategy in place. Most parents are not privy to all the details of this strategy. Don’t sit in the bleachers telling your kid what to do, leave that to the coach who put those ideas in place. Most of the time, I try to let players make decisions on the court themselves as part of our team’s strategy. This allows them to develop teamwork and leadership skills while thinking for themselves. Furthermore, nothing causes a player to miss more than having someone telling them what to do all the time. Cheer for the plays after they have been made and don’t tell them what you think they should be doing. I know, they are your kid but it’s the coach’s team. If you want advice on what to cheer, ask. (My favorite is DE-FENSE!) If you don’t know what to say, just watch. After the game, give your kid some positive feedback and buy them ice cream. Nothing heals losing like ice cream.
4. Listen to the team rules and decide if you can obey them
I have a parent’s meeting at the start of the year. I lay out my objectives and how things will be done. I advise parents what they can expect of me and how I run my teams. If they don’t like my ideas, I am willing to discuss them one on one but I probably won’t change how I do things. I completely respect parents who do not want their kids in my programs but I expect them to decide at the start of a season. I don’t appreciate parents who approach me half way through and question why I am doing things the way I am. I will still discuss things with them but it’s never appreciated.
5. Be on time!
I expect players to make a commitment to the team and its rules. One is being on time to all team events. That includes being dropped off and picked up. I personally hate waiting around because a parent does not respect my time enough to be on time. One of my favorite players of all time was late for a game once so I benched him. He was not happy about it but he took his punishment and we discussed it after the game. He appreciated what I was trying to do and we came to an agreement. During our final tournament of the year he was late again. He walked into the gym and apologized and accepted he would not be playing, he even stated it without asking for a chance to explain. He was fully accountable. I then asked why he was late and he said, “My aunt is in the hospital and is about to give birth. We went with her first but I wanted to make it to the game as well.” He played! I have rules but like all rules there are exceptions.
6. Pitch in when help is needed.
If the team needs a hand, volunteer to help. It could be working a concession stand or selling tickets. Nothing is 100% fun so teach your kids you are willing to do the grunt work to make things work, it goes a long way. I love seeing parents take ownership of certain needed tasks. Hosting tournaments can bond teams and bonded teams perform at a higher level.
7. If there is a situation that needs discussing, do it face to face and one on one.
I give a 24 hour grace period after situations to allow things to cool off. That said, I would never turn a parent away if they really needed to discuss something. I would also never give an opinion about another parent but I will listen. Also, the meeting must be one on one or with an assistant in the room away from others; the less of an audience, the better the chance for a resolution. Obviously, this is something I let parents know before the season begins. If a parent confronts me after a game, it is best to walk away no matter what is being said. If it gets bad, someone will be leaving the team. I try to avoid that situation.
8. If you don’t like the coach, find a new team.
There are bad parents and bad coaches. If you do not like how the coach or organization operates, leave. I do not type that sarcastically. You need to help your kids find healthy experiences. If you do not like what the program has to offer, change the channel.
8. Enjoy the experience and come to the games
Kids love having their parents watch them play. It motivates them to no end. I will make extra efforts to get kids playing time if their parents are watching. (As long as it does not hurt the team’s success) It’s a wonderful experience and the time passes too quickly. Go to the game and enjoy it. In the end, playing sports should be a great experience and part of that experience is having your number one fans enjoying it with you.
Good luck to all athletes who are starting new seasons in the next couple of weeks. We all miss our playing days and wish we could relive them sometimes. The bonds and friendships made from team sports can last a lifetime. Hope your experience is a positive one.
This blog was originally posted a year ago but it seemed to fit for this time of year.
