NFL Week 3: Reckless Hot Takes for Each Team

It takes hours on hours to compose thoughtful analysis of every NFL game each week. Most people don’t have that kind of time, so here are a bunch of quick, knee-jerk reactions to each team’s performance in Week 3.

Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals’ offense looked like it was being coached by Rex Ryan.

Atlanta Falcons: Running backs aside, no one accumulated over 33 receiving yards for the Falcons on Monday night. Cue the angry Julio Jones fantasy owners.

Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens continue to win in an ugly, boring fashion. But hey, at least they’re winning.

Buffalo Bills: Feeling excited about that win, Bills fans? Don’t worry, the Patriots will bring you back down to earth next week with a loss to a 3rd-string rookie.

Carolina Panthers: Newton threw 3 interceptions, was sacked 8 times, and only targeted Kelvin Benjamin once. The Panthers continue to get embarrassed by teams with strong pass rushing.

Chicago Bears: Both Barack Obama and his favorite NFL team are going to feel like lame ducks this season.

Cincinnati Bengals: As usual, Cincinnati is good, but not good enough to be a serious contender.

Cleveland Browns: Negativity aside, Terrelle Pryor’s ascent to prominence has been fascinating to watch.

Dallas Cowboys: Led by a couple of rookies, the Dallas offense has looked refreshingly competent without Tony Romo.

Denver Broncos: I’m still not 100% convinced that Trevor Siemian can lead this team as far as Peyton Manning did last year, but it’s seeming more feasible with each passing week.

Detroit Lions: Marvin Jones’ stat line is Megatron-esque… Too soon?

Green Bay Packers: After seeing what the Vikings’ defense did to Carolina and how the Packers’ offense performed in the first half this week, I don’t think there’s any question that Green Bay is doing just fine.

Houston Texans: This is why you don’t pay big money to defensive players. Against a 3rd-string, rookie QB, JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney were invisible.

Indianapolis Colts: The Colts needed to win this game to stay relevant. That’s not exactly a complement for a team that was in the AFC Championship game two seasons ago.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Jalen Ramsey should wait until Jacksonville starts winning to talk trash, which means it’s gonna be awhile before he can talk trash.

Kansas City Chiefs: Quarterbacks be warned: Marcus Peters is up to 4 interceptions on the season. Thankfully, most quarterbacks aren’t Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Los Angeles Rams: The Rams finally got over the touchdown hump on Sunday, but it’s painfully clear that Case Keenum is the weakest link on the field.

Miami Dolphins: Miami barely avoided falling into the depths of irrelevance by beating the dysfunctional Cleveland Browns in overtime. Clearly the Dolphins’ issues go beyond coaching.

Minnesota Vikings: This team is reminiscent of the Mark Sanchez-led Jets during their years of success. Great team? Yes. Can you see them winning a Super Bowl? No.

New England Patriots: Prediction: After week 4’s game, Jacoby Brissett will unzip his skin to reveal that it’s actually been Tom Brady playing this whole time.

New Orleans Saints: On a similar note, Defensive Coordinator Dennis Allen will reveal that he is a robot being controlled by Rob Ryan.

New York Giants: The New York offense, which is loaded with talent, continues its streak of underachieving. It’s not going to get any easier against the Vikings in Week 4.

New York Jets: It’s never a good day for a quarterback when your interception total is higher than your QBR. 5. His QBR was 5.

Oakland Raiders: The Raiders defense finally stopped someone! Of course, it was one of the league’s worst offenses that they stopped, but let’s focus on the positives before Oakland regains a .500 record in Week 4.

Philadelphia Eagles: Okay, Philadelphia, you have my attention. And the NFC East crown.

Pittsburgh Steelers: In the battle for Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh looked like it was the team being led by a rookie quarterback.

San Diego Chargers: The Chargers need Melvin Gordon to step up his consistency if they want to have any hope of being more than a one-dimensional, average team.

San Francisco 49ers: Michael Bennett after being asked about the challenge of facing Blaine Gabbert: “There is no challenge. He threw for 100 yards.” That about sums it up, folks.

Seattle Seahawks: The Seattle offense finally started rolling, but Russell Wilson’s injury problems are hanging ominously over the team.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The Buccaneers put up numbers that would make Mike Leach proud.

Tennessee Titans: Even after watching one of those guilt-inducing “Adopt an Animal” commercials, the Titans depth chart at wide receiver is still the saddest thing I’ve seen today.

Washington Redskins: Beckham may have finished with a high yardage total, but Washington would not have won that game without Josh Norman. No one gets into Beckham’s head like Norman.